Kurt Wagner Wooing Headcanons

gentlesinnings:

AI see and love so many headcanons about dating/living with Kurt, and man those are all so good, but I’ve got some ideas in my head that I gotta get out, and hopefully someone else will enjoy them.  These should work with all versions of Kurt, from the comics to the movies to the cartoons, minus maybe Kurt Darkholme and the Kurt from Earth-597 because screw that.

• Everybody knows the exact minute that figured out he had a thing for you.
• Like he wasn’t even subtle about it, didn’t try to be subtle.  He’d stop dead in his tracks, just staring at you, before grabbing whoever happened to be standing closest to him- or just walking by-, to ask if they know your name.
• If asked why, you can be damn sure he responds with something so cheesy that it makes everyone around him groan, like “I vant to know zhe name zhat’s vritten on mein heart.”  Because he is a cheeseball.  An adorable, fuzzy, sweet blue cheeseball.
• He introduces himself to you buy giving you a bouquet of flowers, and when you take them, happy to have the pretty, obviously hand picked little things, but mostly confused about why this very cute, very blue man was giving them to you, he explained that he could only give those flowers to the most beautiful woman in the world.
• He says something similar whenever he gives you flowers, which is a lot because nothing makes him feel better then when you look up at him with big ol’ eyes and a shy little smile on your face.
• Sometimes he’ll tuck flowers in your hair, behind your ears, and will sigh about how he kind of feels bad about doing it, because putting such pretty flowers next to such a gorgeous face just makes them seem so plain in comparison.
• He makes sure that you are very much aware of the fact that he was an acrobat in a circus.
• About twenty percent of the time you saw him, he was walking around on his hands.  Another twenty percent was him hanging upside down from basically anything attached to a ceiling.  Forty percent of the time you found him flipping and swinging over/around/in front of you before he landed on his feet and would then proceed to act totally natural.
• You’re legitimately not sure that it’s not just a thing that he does like, all the time, because he can.
• Frankly, you don’t really care either way, because Kurt’s really impressive honestly.  You can appreciate some flippy-dos, and you can damn sure appreciate the sight of him standing on his hands and doing the splits.
• One time he decided that he was going to show off by showing you his one man trapeze act.  A one man trapeze act that involved you.
• You were just walking, minding your own business, and the next thing you know someone is grabbing your beneath your arms, picking you up, and tossing you forward.  You’re so surprised, you can’t even scream, can’t really react, you just think about how much it’s going to hurt when you land, only suddenly there’s a loud noise and purple smoke and there Kurt is, swinging by his tail, giving you a wide grin, arms out to grab you, probably sneaks in a quick peck of a kiss to the tip of your nose before he tosses you again, and continues to rinse and repeat for a while.
• One of two things happen then: Either, once you see it’s Kurt, you relax and laugh because him tossing you around feels like going on a carnival ride, and you completely and utterly trust him to make sure you don’t fall or get hurt in any way; or You end up not talking to Kurt for like, an entire week because wow, no, doesn’t matter how cute you are you can’t just pick me up and throw me around like a sack of beans, no, bringing me my favorite candy is not going to make me forgive you quicker.
• And speaking of food, Kurt just really likes feeding you?
• He takes you out for breakfast, for brunch, for lunch, for supper and dinner.  He once came knocking on your door to ask if you’d like to join him for a midnight snack.
• Like he tries to feed you so much that you have to ask him if he’s really German, or if he’s actually secretly an overprotective Italian mother.
• He starts bringing you slices of pizza and cans of Spaghetti-O’s and you try really hard not to laugh and encourage him because no, Kurt, that is not Italian food.
• Nine out of Ten times when he goes out on a mission he comes back with some form of sweet for you, normally chocolate.
• Good lord, when he comes back from Europe he gives you Kindereggs like he’s making a drug deal or something.
• You always tell him you hope the prize inside is worth it when the feds come to take him to jail for bringing something that illegal into the States.
• The little toy inside never is, but you still have a collection of the lame little prizes that you treasure, and you tell Kurt he’s shit out of luck if someone ever does come to arrest him, because you aren’t going to hide them from anyone.
• Kurt does especially like feeding you some German food, though.
• You eat so much sausage around Kurt.
• You ask him once if there was any reason in particular that he kept feeding you weisswurst, but instead of some kind of innuendo like you were expecting, he just explains that he makes some damn good ‘wurst.  And you can’t argue with him about it.
• You also eat a lot of potatoes
• Kurt makes the best potato pancakes you’d ever tried, and introduces you to potato dumplings?
• Dampfnudel is also a thing.  You never thought you’d be into eating bread as dessert, and yet…
• Not exactly food, but he also tries to introduce you to “Proper German Beer”.
• It goes about as well as you’d expect.
• Do you like to dance?  Kurt likes to dance.
• If you can’t dance, Kurt is more then happy to teach you.  You have no rhythm?  That’s fine, he’ll do all the work.  You don’t want to stand on his feet while he shows you the steps?  He’s fine with just holding you close and swaying in time to whatever music.
• You can dance?  Well, you just found a brand new dance partner
• Swing Dancing is definitely his favorite.  He loves the fast pace, swinging and twirling you around.
• He will also legit waltz with you
• Dude does goofy dances like no one’s business.  You have never seen, nor will you ever see, the Macarena done more beautifully then by Kurt Wagner.  Even if you can hardly see it because you’re laughing so hard you’re crying.
• Salsa is fun for the both of you, where you both get to see each other smile and laugh and be energetic, although them hip wiggles can also be a form of torture.
• Kurt pulled you into a tango once, and while everything else you could theoretically push aside as just having some friendly-friend fun, that dance, where he held you so close and moved the two of you so smoothly, the act ridiculously sensual, was so obviously him showing you what he wanted with you, giving a sneak peek at what you could have, that you really couldn’t call it anything else but a flat out seduction.
• And all that is before the boy even starts dating you.  That just him trying to butter you up to the idea of dating him.  Then he starts the process all frigging over again when he wants to convince you to marry him.
• You don’t even realize why he’s suddenly going back to the lengths he’d gone to get you to like him when you first met.  Like he never stopped bringing you flowers and food and quoting your favorite movies and bringing you little gifts, but suddenly he’s really stepping it up.
• He’s buying you jewelry?  Like, fine jewelry, which is beautiful and it’s not that you don’t appreciate it but also you don’t know why all of a sudden?
• He buys you a couple of exceedingly nice new dresses, would probably buy more except that you put a stop to it and ask what exactly it was he did that he felt he needed to apologize for.
• Kurt gets kind of huffy because when has he ever tried to bribe his way out of making you not be mad at him?
• He also quickly tells you not to actually answer that, and that he’s not trying anything, he just wants to give you stuff that’ll make you happy, because you being happy makes him happy.
• You don’t entirely believe him, mostly because he’s an awful liar.
• He tries to show you how reliable he can be by trying to fix any thing mechanical or electronic that might go on the fritz.
• And by fix, I mean he takes them to someone else who can properly fix them up.
• You catch him coming back from Kitty’s with your suddenly very much improved communicator, and joking call him out on it.
• Kurt just kind of shrugs, but is a lot happier when you tell him that knowing how and when to use outside resources is a far more attractive trait then watching him attempt to fix, and ultimately end up making a problem worse because he can’t admit when he’s out of his depth.
• On the other hand, there’s one time he insists on trying to tune up your old junker of a car, and it takes him a hell of a long time and a lot of phonecalls, but you enjoyed every minute of watching him get all sweaty and dirty under the hood.
• If you have a good relationship with your family, Kurt is suddenly very eager to go to your family home for any and all upcoming holidays so that he can try and solidify the idea to your family that he’s the best person for you to spend the rest of your life with.
• He knows that they don’t really have a say at all in who you marry, but he wants to make sure that there isn’t any kind of strain there.
• He doesn’t just ask your Dad if he may have his blessing to ask for your hand in marriage, but he’d also ask your Mom, and any siblings you have.  Hell, if given half the chance, he’d ask you grandparents, your aunts and uncles, and your third cousins.
• Your whole family either gets giggly or misty-eyed whenever they see you for a while, and you have no idea why.  It kind of weirds you out, but any time you start to ask, Kurt just shhhses you.
• If you’re not close with your blood family, Kurt seeks the blessings of the people you actually care about, and who care about you.
• Your friends all seem to be in either one of two categories.  They either explain to Kurt all the various ways they’ll murderize him if he ever breaks your heart, or whenever you come around they sigh and look all moonstruck and when you ask what’s up they give vague answers about how lucky you are to be with Kurt.
• Eventually you come to the conclusion that Kurt is planning on throwing some kind of big surprise party for you, for some reason, so when he actually proposes to you, it completely blindsides you.
• He’d would definitely cut a deal with a traveling circus that comes around.  They’re so rare, that he tells you that the two of you have to go, but when a sudden “mission” means he’s going to miss it, he convinces you to go instead with one of your friends.  You agree, just because you’ve never been to one before, but you don’t tell him that you’re sure that you won’t have nearly as much fun without him.
• Which is basically the case, you go, and while you’re enjoying yourself you can’t help but think ‘Kurt would love this so much,’ or ‘I’m really glad Kurt doesn’t take his contortionist thing that far,’ and basically you’re just non-stop thinking about your boyfriend, to the point that, when you’re watching the trapeze act, you think, for a second, that you’re hallucinating the familiar blue figure swinging around up there.
• You are not.  It’s Kurt.  And you don’t know whether to be pissed off about him lying about being called out on a mission, or just thoroughly impressed because you’ve never really seen him in his element like this, in the spotlight, with the crowd screaming for him in admiration.
• Then he bamfs in front of you in the front row- and suddenly you understand how you got front row seats to begin with, you thought you’d just been lucky but now you understand that he set the whole thing up- and you’re the only one who doesn’t flinch away from his sudden appearance.
• Then he reaches into the sinfully tight getup he was wearing, where you notice for the first time a weird, oddly shaped protrusion under there when he pulls out a little black, velvet box.
• The entire inside of the tent goes quiet as he as he tells you how much he loves you, how he’d loved you from the first moment he saw you, how you’ve made him a better man, and he wants you to keep making him a better man, for the rest of your lives.  That he wants to honor and protect you, provide for you, make you laugh and smile and roll your eyes at his cheesy lines.  That he wants to make sure that you never go a single day without knowing that you are completely and utterly loved.
• You’re trying real hard not to cry, but you can’t keep from tearing up.  And when he asks if you’ll do him the honor of being his wife, you’re so choked up that you can’t even answer, you just hold your left hand out to him.
• The crowd goes fucking crazy when he slips the ring on your finger, and then pulls you into him to kiss you senseless.
• There’s a very high possibility that you punch him in the gut for making you the literal center of attention like that.