#73 with Jim.

langdvn:

73. “You don’t have to stay.”

—

When Medina had called her and explained what had happened to Jim, why he was in a rehabilitation center, how he had been so out of it he didn’t even know his own name when they had found him; she had felt like she had just been hit in the gut. She felt the air leave her lungs and her heart stop.

She had known Jim was struggling, with family issues, with himself, with pills. She knew. She had been beside him the entire time try to help him, trying to reach out and be there for him as much as she possibly could. She stayed up all night with him sometimes, to help him sober up, or just to be there with him. To lay next to him. To hold his hand. To let him know everything was going to be okay. To let him know he was safe. Loved.

She knew it wasn’t easy for an addict to just stop. Especially without help. She didn’t condone or agree with what Jim had been doing, but she understood why he was doing. Jim, being the selfless soul that he is, did not like to ask for help. He did not admit to her how bad his addiction had become. He had told her only needed to take them on bad days. But everyday, if he was not with her, it seemed to be a bad day at the Mason household.

She had asked him many times to come stay with her. To live with her. They could work out some arrangement. He would be okay. In safe environment and he wouldn’t need his happy pills. He would have her, even more than he already did. He wouldn’t have to worry about yelling parents or hostility. He would be okay there.

But he never agreed. She could see the slight want-to in his eyes but knew his mother would never allow it. And Medina needed him. So she never pressed it. She stopped bringing it up, in hopes that one day he would just bring it up himself knowing that the invitation still, and would ever, be there.

So, she supported him and helped him in other ways. Any way that she could without pressing too much in to the matter.

Deep down inside of her she felt as if she were doing something wrong. Maybe she should of pressed more. Maybe she was not doing everything she could for him. She would walk through rain and fire for him and yet she didn’t feel she was doing enough.

He had always told her how grateful he was, for her, that she entered his life. She had been the only thing, besides Medina, that kept him sane, made him happy. He had told her over and over again that she was doing everything and more for him, that she was perfect. His perfect girl.

But she wondered if that were true as she stood in the doorway of his room.

Medina was by his side. Crouched down and talking softly to him. His body looked so small curled up on the single bed. It brought tears to her eyes. She had seen his good and his bad, and now she was seeing his worst. And as much as it hurt her, made her heart ache to see him like this, she would never shy away from him, from this. She would be there, present. By his side. Always.

Medina stood up as she noticed her, giving her a small smile. “Jim,” she spoke softly. “Someone’s here to see you.” She gave him a sweet smile.

Jim slowly turned, leaning up a bit to look over his shoulder. His lips turning up into a smile as he saw her.

She couldn’t help the tears that fell down her cheek as she smiled and walked over to the bed, taking the spot that Medina had just been occupying.

“I’ll let you two have a moment.” Medina said sweetly as made her way out of the room.

He looked different. Still like her Jim, but less of himself. His eyes were glossy and clouded. His expressions were soft and tender, yet he looked weak. She had never seen him like this. A shell of himself. It broke her heart.

She didn’t know what to say. Words had lost her. She imagined that once she saw him she wouldn’t be able to shut up from how worried she was, how grateful she was that he was alright. But no words came. Only tears.

Jim’s soft smile didn’t fade as he reached up to wipe a stray tear on her cheek. “You didn’t have to come.” His voice was low and soft. “You don’t have to stay.” He knew how hard this must be for her, for everyone. To see him like this. It was hard to see himself like this. To know he was the reason why he was in this mess. Why she was in this mess along side him. He couldn’t imagine all the emotions she was feeling. If the places had been switched he knows he would feel horrible. To see someone you love like this, in their worst state. He knew she was strong. Stronger than him. He loved that about her. But he didn’t know if she was this strong. To be here with him. He didn’t want to doubt her. He never would. But situations like this tested strength and love. She had always been there for him though, at his worst times. He was grateful she was here now even if he felt a bit of embarrassment and guilt for putting her through this. He had tried to be strong for her. For everyone. But especially her. She was so strong for him, she deserved that back.

He knew she never held him up to any standards or expectations. She loved him for him. Every silly, goofy, messed up part of him she loved. She supported him. Loved him. There was no guessing. No questioning. She had made him feel more love than both his parents had in the last year.

“Of course I had to come!” She smiled, wiping the tears from her eyes. “I had to make sure you were okay.”

He grabs her hand, lacing their fingers. “I’m okay.” His voice breaks a little, “Medina’s here,” he smiles. “And you’re here.”

“I’m always here.” She reassures. And he knows she is. Always. If he called her at 3 am just to talk, or if he needed to kiss her, she would wake up and come to him without question.

“I know.” He feels the tears run down his cheek before he can attempt to stop them. She’s seen him at his most vulnerable, but he wishes she wasn’t seeing him like this. She deserved better than this.

“Are you sure you’re okay? Do you need anything?” She asks again. Needing reassurance herself to make sure he was really alright.

He laughs softly. “I’m fine. I have everything I need, right here.” He runs his index finger across her knuckle.

She nods with a smile. Trying not to burst into tears. She knows he wouldn’t care. He would even hold her. The roles would switch and he would be the one there for her. But she needed to be strong for him. No more tears. Not right now.

“Lay with me?” He asks shyly, and the request almost makes her burst, into tears, into so many different emotions that were flooding her body.

She doesn’t hesitate to nod and gently climb in next to him as he moves over to make room for her. Their hands find each other’s and for a few seconds they just stare at each other. A calming silence coming over them. The only noise in the room coming from outside of it.

Jim is the first one to break the silence, soft whisper of “I’m sorry” falling from his lips. “I should of…” he swallows back tears. “I should of called you. Should of came to you. I was just so–“

“Shh.” She stops him. She places her hand on his cheek, wiping away the falling tears. She speaks softly. “We don’t need to talk about it. You’re here. You’re okay. That’s all that matters to me.” She can feel the tears burning her eyes, threatening to pool over. She meant it. She didn’t want him to be sorry. She knew he was, but she would never hold this against him, any of it. She didn’t want to know the details of what happened. She didn’t want him to remember. To think about it. She wanted him to recover. To forget. She wanted him to know that he was better than this mistake. He was going to conquer it and be stronger. Happier.

“You’re safe.” She smiles softly. “You’re alive. You’re going to get better. You will get better. I’ll be here to help you, Medina too. We have you. Always.”

He nods, mustering up a weak smile through his tears. “Always.” he repeats softly before he presses a gentle kiss to her lips.

—

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