i think edward elric entire military experience can be summarized as john mulaney’s “horse loose in the hospital” bit
there is a CHILD ALCHEMIST LOOSE IN THE STATE MILITARY!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE CHILD IS GOING TO DO, LEAST OF ALL THE CHILD!
HE’S NEVER BEEN IN THE MILITARY BEFORE!
They interviewed a man who once saw a baby in a restaurant.
WE’VE ALL SEEN A BABY IN A RESTAURANT!!!
THIS IS A CHILD. LOOSE IN THE MILITARY.
And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the child,
and then, 5 miles under the capital city, an evil homunculus was like, “I have a huge transmutation circle and I’m going to kill everyone to become god!” And before we could say
anything, the child was like, “If you even fucking look at Amestris,
I will punch you to death with my fists. I dare you to do it. I want
you to do it. I want you to do it so I can take my unresolved daddy issues out on you, I’m
so fucking crazy.”
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i love them,,,
what are the bros like as sugar daddy? ;)
This was fun, thanks!
– LV
Noctis: Cars, cars, cars. Noctis always comes to pick you up for your dates in a car that has jaws dropping and eyes on both of you wherever you go. He lets you drive whenever you ask, because what’s another car to a King? Expect lots and lots of sex in fast, expensive cars. Noctis gets a real thrill out of impressing you with his ride—and when he’s speeding down the highway with you by his side, there’s just nothing better. When you reach your hand into his lap and start squeezing him through his pants while he’s driving it makes him feel powerful. He tries to hold out as long as he can to prolong the pleasure before he has to pull over and fuck you in the backseat… or the front… or on the hood. Of course it goes without saying he’ll buy you whatever car you ask for, but any car in the royal garage is yours.
Prompto: Prompto will do anything to see you smile, and since he has the means, the sky’s the limit (he’s a rich and famous photographer now). He loves to buy you little things that let you know he’s thinking of you—not just expensive things. Stuffed animals, cute collectibles from his travels… but if you want expensive things he’s got you. He loves to whisk you away on trips to gorgeous, exotic locales where he can photograph you for his own private albums (dressed in an outfit you bought on one of your many shopping trips, of course). Prompto has no expectation of sex, he just really wants to make you happy. So of course, when it comes time for you to give up the sugar he genuinely can’t believe his good fortune. Sex on the (private) beach, sex on the plane, sex on the hotel balcony… the sugar baby lifestyle with daddy Prompto is good.
Ignis: Ignis is a gourmand, so of course his favorite way to spoil his sugar baby involves insanely expensive dinners and nights in hotels. (You’ve stayed the night at THAT hotel in Altissia more times than you can count). Of course, Ignis still loves to cook for you in his gorgeous penthouse—his own cooking rivals that of the chefs in some of the most expensive restaurants you’ve visited. Naturally, Ignis’s sophisticated tastes don’t end with food; he loves to see you dressed in the finest designer clothes. He enjoys teasing you over dinner—both verbally and physically. He gets a particular pleasure out of whispering the absolutely filthy things he wants to do to you after dinner and watching the color bloom in your cheeks as the servers are bringing your food and refreshing your drinks.The perfect night for Ignis starts with him picking you up for an amazing meal, and ends back in your hotel room with him getting you out of that expensive dress and letting everyone in the building know who you belong to.
Gladio: Gladio’s sugar daddy style is a bit unusual—despite being a man of means, he loves the simpler things in life. Sleeping in a tent with you is still his happy place. But that said… taking care of you makes him feel like a proper man, so anything you ask for is yours. Gladio tries to pay attention to the things that you like, but he loves it when you just outright ask him for something—it makes it easier on him. He’ll buy you all the designer handbags your heart desires, just bat your eyelashes and call him daddy. There is one thing, however, that he absolutely loves buying for you without any input on your end—expensive, intricate lingerie. Whether it’s taking you to a high-end store, closing it down, and watching you try on a parade of outfits (and fucking you in the dressing room when a lingerie set is looking too good) or just sending a deluge of packages to your house, Gladio loves keeping that gorgeous body of yours wrapped in silk and lace. He delights in tearing the lingerie right off of you with his hands and teeth—the more delicate and expensive the garment the harder his dick gets for you.
HEJWHEJ I LOVE THAT HC THAT THE HYAKUYAS PLAYED HOUSE AND MIKA AND YUU WERE THE PARENTS!!!! I always imagine them at some point arguing over who is “the wife™” and who is “the husband™” Mika: And yuu-chan can be my wife!! Yuu: why do I have to be the wife Mika: bc I’m the one supporting our family Yuu: SO?! CAN A WIFE NOT DO THAT?? Mika: WELL THEN WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO BE THE WIFE Yuu: UR THE ONE THAT KNOWS WHAT UR DOING Mika: AND?????? Yuu: AND UR THE PRETTY ONE!!! Mika: t-the pretty one??//////
More on that hyakuyas playing house au: mika and Yuu occasionally still
slip up on those old pet names,, ESPECIALLY now that they’re sharing a
dorm together (kind of??) Yuu says something simple like “can you get
the door babe? I think that’s Narumi.” “Sure, hun.” And Shinoa squad is
all like “????Have they always been this gay????? I feel like they’ve
gotten gayer recently like Boyfriends In Love to Married And In Love
kinda gayer”my friend,,,,,my Friend, thank you, i absolutely love Sanguinem era mikayuu! Although i like to think that humanity perished early enough in the Hyakuyas’ lives that they have no concept of what a wife/husband should do in a marriage lmao (begone, heteronormativity!). instead, consider them classifying other couples by who is the “Mika” and who is the “Yuu” of the relationship:
Fumie: Akane!! if you and that girl you like get married someday, who will be the Mika and who will be the Yuu?
Taichi, scoffing: that’s a dumb question! of course Akane will be the Mika, she’s too calm and organized to be Yuu!
Mika, blinking slowly: ……..pardon
now, consider: this trend comes back when they’re older, except now they’re labelling their friends’ relationships as who’s the Mika and who’s the Yuu
Yuu, squinting: listen…….Shinoa……is…..totally the Yuu of the relationship
Mika: you’re literally just saying that because Mitsuba and I are both blond
Yuu: guilty as charged
Gotta love thirsday. Alucard sneaking up in his so while they’re in the shower and teases the shit out of them so that way they crave him by the time they’re out of the shower!
Evil laughter
- It gets too quiet at first
- You just have this FEELING of fuckery going on
- Starts off his antics by chuckling like an asshole
- “Enjoying yourself?”
- “Perhaps I can be of assistance~”
- “That’s not my name but you can call me what you like, I don’t mind~”
(Stop screaming it’s just me)- “I didn’t plan on making you scream yet, my dear..”
- “You don’t mind if I watch, do you?”
- His head alone just appears in the top corner
- He WANTS you to throw something, it’ll spur him on
- Hands you the soap before you realize he’s there: “Oh, than—AAAAAAA!!”
- Or his hands pressing against the shower curtain to hug you
- Trailing his hands up the back and down the front of your thighs with his gloves on
- Pat dat ass from under the rump just to make it bounce
- “You’re so tense; Let me help you ..relax~”
- Rubbing your lower spine up to your shoulders to get some knots out, slithering those fingers ever so sneakily round the front
- He’s not above using his more paranormal abilities to ‘enhance’ the mood
- It’s a hand it’s a FUCKIN hand coming out the drAIN
- He will crawl through the drain, phase through the wall, flicker the lights, etc, maybe a few too many hands coming out of the walls but you’re almost used to it by now
- He really just means it all in good fun
- Leaning his head riiiight into that part between your cheek and ear so that you’re off center and have to lean to him for balance
- Licks and bites your ears
- Him way more wet than you because he TOWERS, wet bangs covering his eyes but not his wide grin
- There will be times he’ll be more romantic but the old bean will leave you the more ‘playfully annoyed’ kind of hot and bothered sometimes
- The more romantic times meaning when he has your legs in his shoulders and your back against the tub wall huehuehue
- Holds his hand and a towel out like a gentleman after you exit the shower 5% fuming, wraps you up but not without his fingers roaming again
- “I can provide more enjoyable acts, if you wish”
- “I’d need to shower AGAIN, Alucard”
- “How tragic~” *winks*
Thank you for the ask!
Mobile Nests (Alpha! Bakugou x Omega! Reader)
another ko-fi request with an omegaverse au, thanks for your support anon and hope you guys enjoy!
sfw
“What the fuck are you doing?”
You looked up, completely and utterly proud of yourself this time.
Soft, cushioned comforters were layered over the floor, plush and inviting. You had cushioned couch pillows and ones from your shared bedroom propped along the walls of your makeshift fort. Corners of Bakugou’s sweaters and shirts stuck out from crevices of your fort, causing his burnt sugar scent to permeate the air and you nuzzled fondly into one of the pillows using his shirt as a cover. “I really outdid myself this time!”
Bakugou stared at the creation and you before him, kicking off his shoes. Some annoying omega had been trying to scent him since his rut was coming and he’d told her to fuck off a little more aggressively than he probably should’ve–but he was Pro Hero Ground Zero and he was a one mate guy, fuckers be damned.
“What the fuck is this?” Bakugou repeated, correcting himself this time.
You blinked, “It’s a nest.”
“I can see that,” Bakugou said roughly. “Why is it under the kitchen table?”
You blink once more, “What do you mean?”
Bakugou dragged one hand down his face. He eyed the side of the kitchen for a moment, a flurry of thoughts of gas leaks and dust and just overall discomfort on the kitchen floor leading to make him wonder why you chose beneath the kitchen table. He contemplated a series of actions, one the most promising being dragging you and your nest back to his bedroom where you belonged, but your heat was around the corner and you were a picky thing and if you decided to give him the cold shoulder in your neediest of times, there was going to be a problem.
He also just really fucking wanted to have you in his arms right now in bed.
“Why the fuck,” Bakugou began calmly, crouching down to your eye level and he found the sweater he’d been planning to wear in your amassed pile as well, “did you decide to make your nest here, dumbass?”
You frowned, tracing one finger along your blankets. “….no good?”
Fuck. Bakugou placed a hand over his mouth, eyeing the well formed nest and then you and he narrowed his eyes. “Why not, y’know, my fucking bedroom like you always do?”
“I’ve been reading into it lately,” you explained eagerly, “a lot of people say nests should be lower to the ground and in a well roofed space–so isn’t this perfect?”
You patted the mounds of cushioned blankets and pillows for proof. Beaming up at him with the stupidest smile you could muster.
Bakugou was finding his earlier genius idea of hauling you out from underneath the table, nest and all, a lot more appealing now. You’d probably get some childish kick out of the mini sleigh ride but you might also throw a fit about your hard work and he’d have to wrestle you into bed again (which wasn’t hard but he wasn’t really in the mood). Bakugou grunted, dropping his hand from his mouth and reaching forward to grab one corner of the nest. To hell with it.
“Hey,” his eyes found yours again and he stopped, a fistful of blanket and clothes. You’re giving him your dopiest smile, eyes filled with love and adoration and fuck–he narrowed his eyes. You open up your arms, tilting your head to the side a bit so your neck is open to him and you smile. “C’mere.”
God. That’s the other thing about you nearing your heats–sometimes you’re an annoying ball of energy and stubborn, hardheaded tendencies so he has to wrestle you into place or get you in a hold to properly scent you because– “Katsuki, please! My coworkers are gonna gossip again and everyone knows I’m yours–” and sometimes you’re like this. Pliable, soft, and you welcome all advances because you just want him and–
Fuck. He had it bad.
Bakugou dropped his grip on your blankets. He dragged you closer to sit in between his legs and he buried his head into the side of your neck, inhaling your sweet scent mingled with his–his favorite fucking smell in this entire shitty world. You hum, the smallest of purrs starting up in your chest and he feels the alpha instincts in him flickering to life because you’re his and you’re his and you’re his. He tipped your head back further, dragging his tongue along one of your swollen scent glands and you card your fingers through his hair, smiling when he aggressively nips the side of your neck.
“It’s nice, right?” You inquire happily. Bakugou narrowed his eyes, grunting against your neck. “The nest!”
His darkened eyes peered over your shoulder. He took in the cushioned walls, the piles of clothes and blankets and pillows and he flicked his gaze up to the side of your face, a dopey, goofy smile curled over your lips as you carded fingers through his hair.
“Needs to be bigger,” Bakugou growled, toppling you over and smothering you against the mounds of blankets as he buried his face into the side of your neck and inhaled.
You grinned, wrapping your arms tightly around him as he set to work on loosening the tie around your sweatpants. “Can’t get it dirty okay? I want this one to last.”
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”
“Katsuki.”
“Shut up and let me kiss you, damn it.”
Orchid anon here. For the love of Nero, he deserves the attention. How about some NSFW time for him? :3 Maybe headcanons how he and his partner spend their first time together? How would he take care of s/o? Thanks already :3
YAS.
- Nero’s the kind of person that went in eager to please and ready to wing it- and then nervously looking at you up and down once the first layer of clothes comes off
- Don’t get me wrong- he’s borderline SMOOTH when it comes to first kisses, holding hands, all of that. He has a little bit of his Grandaddy in him let’s say :PPP
- The moment you pull off your first layer of clothes though, and he sees some underwear action, that’s when he stops knowing what to do and awkwardly just keeps mumbling, “You’re really damn beautiful Y/N.”
- Maybe a little too eager to take his clothes off, because even though he’s trying desperately to “make things even” with you, he practically rips it in half (Not knowing his own strength, haha)
- His kisses are needy, maybe even a little too forceful sometimes. He might just jam his tongue in your mouth and it might be weird- if you make a noise that shows disapproval he’ll lower his head.
- “I’m sorry I’m not very good at this.”
- He’s grabby, but there’s a marked deliberation and fearfulness when it comes to hurting you, especially with his demon hand. He was initially reluctant to touch you at all until you made it a point for him to, that you accepted him.
- His strongest reactions are to the sound of your voice, small noises however slight they may be. “Did I hurt you!?” like the look is scared and he’d hate himself forever if he hurt you even the slightest
- Which re-emphasizes the endless dilemma Nero faces: he is at heart someone that loves completely wholeheartedly and with everything he has, but he is literally too strong for this earth
- He actually might enjoy you being rough with him though, at least a little. He’ll never say it out loud though because it’s embarrassing for him to talk about
- He doesn’t have a voice kink but since it’s hard for him to read expressions he’s listening for changes in your vocal pitch to pick up on what you’re feeling: so if you make a yelp he’s going to assume it’s for pain and so on
- He’ll get pretty worried if you don’t make noises or seem like you’re holding back what you want to say, and ask. For himself though he probably won’t talk much!
- When he’s getting close, it’s difficult for him to control himself so he might hold onto you a little too tightly
- The shudder is soft and almost boyish, kind of hunching his shoulders and nuzzling you if he can.
- He’d pet you a lot, especially if he marked you somewhere by accident, apologizing a lot. You need to reassure him, a lot, when it comes to this
- If you’re willing though nothing makes him more happy than being held in the aftermath (just never tell Dante)
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Yeah, that demon Keith made by Lightning Strikes
killed me too so I needed to draw him~ 💖💖 and i dont know anything about spn lol