headcanon that ned is alive and knows that peter is dead, but he decides to take it upon himself to make up some stories for may’s sake about why peter hasn’t come home to her yet. “oh, he’s totally fine, he’s just back in washington doing a semi final for another academic decathlon” and when peter left the bus he forgot his phone, so ned texts may from peter’s phone periodically so she has some peace of mind because ned knows that may only has peter and so he protects her even if it means he’s lying to her in the long run. may is hurt that peter isn’t coming home, but ned knows she’d be absolutely broken if she really knew he was dead.
and so ned for the longest time has to keep adding to this wildly intricate story about why peter still hasn’t returned – he edits old photos of peter and him in their uniforms so when he sends it to may from peter’s phone, the date on the photo is more recent. he’ll sometimes go over to may’s apartment, picking up some of peter’s stuff (”he asked me to grab his science notebook and send him a picture of one of his entries”).
he even creates a program from scratch that he feeds recordings of peter’s voice into – and he perfects it to the point where he can call may from peter’s phone while the software is running in the background, and it’s capable of carrying a few minute phone call with her. it’s eerily accurate in the way it portrays all of peter’s vocal quirks (like the way he strings his sentences together when he’s excited or anxious)
at one point, when he feels may is beginning to possibly suspect something, he goes to her apartment when she’s out, and leaves a note in peter’s handwriting – “hey aunt may! we won the decathlon, but now mr. stark invited me for summer internship for 12 weeks and i need to go, but i love you! i’ll call you every friday. if you need anything, ask ned.”
at first, ned was doing it to save may’s sanity, but as time goes on, he realizes he’s doing it to save his sanity too.
civil war but when zemo says the trigger words bucky goes into factory reset mode and starts speaking spanish like buzz lightyear in toy story 3
we need to let this post die now thank you
Never
Not Spanish but Russian like that’s what happened but instead of following orders he goes to save Tony ¯_(ツ)_/¯
no but then it’s not like buzz lightyear in toy story 3
Bucky sees Steve and he does this shit
and then this is Bucky with Tony
i’ll do you one better:
STEPH IM CRYING
You all know what I’m about to do
“I don’t… think that did what he wanted it to do.“ Tony frowned, tilting his head to the side.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Steve demanded.
Tony glanced down at the man, the… whatever the hell he was, who was a double agent. “Rogers, he clearly did something to Barnes, but I don’t think that-” Tony gestured to Bucky- “was his intended outcome!”
“Well, what was?” Steve slammed a hand down on the table the man was handcuffed to. “What. Was?”
The man looked up with a hard glare. “To see an empire fall.”
Tony stared at Bucky who was… well, Tony didn’t really know what he was doing. Bucky was walking around, making weird arm motions, giving everyone the crazy eye. No agent seemed to be brave enough to approach him. “It’s like you sent him into factory reset mode.”
“So you were responsible,” T’Challa cut in. “For my father’s death?”
The man tilted his chin up. “I’m sorry about your father. He was a casualty caught in the crossfire of a different war.” The man glared at Tony and Steve. “Much like my family was.”
“What’s this about?” Sam folded his arms. “What’s your game, man?”
“Their war,” He continued to stare at Tony and Steve, “killed my family. Innocent lives. Sokovia. Do you remember them? Can you list the name of every innocent civilian you killed that day?” He shook his head. “I am Baron Zemo. My family was killed, by you. I had hoped to tear yours apart in return. I had hoped I’d get the missing piece to my puzzle from him,” Zemo looked at Bucky, “but I was not expecting this.”
“Missing piece?” Tony shook his head. “What missing piece?”
Steve cleared his throat. “You know, don’t you?” He asked Zemo. “You know The Winter Soldier…” Steve took a deep breath. “You know The Winter Soldier killed Howard and Maria Stark.”
“What?” Tony hissed, head filling with static.
Steve faced him. “I’m sorry, Tony. I didn’t- I didn’t know how to tell you.”
Zemo nodded. “I wanted to use that against you. To make empires fall.”
Tony took a long, deep breath. “Okay Rogers, I’m royally pissed at you, but I’m gonna hold it in, so we can properly deal with him.”
“Okay.” Steve nodded. “Okay. We can… talk about this later, I promise. Sam, can you watch Zemo?” The ‘and T’Challa’ part went unsaid. Tony had been side eye-ing the furious king the entire conversation, making sure he didn’t spaz.
Sam nodded.
Steve and Tony walked over to where Bucky was sitting on a table, chair on his head, glaring at terrified agents.
“Sir,” One agent walked over to Tony. “We don’t know what to do, he’s unstable and I think he managed to grab a gun-”
“Yeah, we’ll handle it.” Tony patted the agent on the back thoughtlessly.
“Buck,” Steve called out. “Come on, let us help you. Give us a hand, here.”
Bucky promptly took off his left arm and threw it at Steve. Tony watched the metal arm clatter to the ground at Steve’s feet and couldn’t hold back a snort. At least this Bucky Barnes had a sense of humour.
“Who goes there?” Bucky hissed in perfect Russian, accent and all. He pulled out his gun. “Friend? Or foe?”
Oh dear god. If Tony didn’t get killed by The fucking Winter Soldier, he was going to die laughing his ass off.
“Something in between, I think,” Tony answered in Russian.
Bucky narrowed his eyes, taking the chair off his head to creep over towards Tony with awkward steps. He was… sliding across the floor, almost, gun still trained on Tony. It was taking every ounce of willpower to keep Tony from losing his fucking mind.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Tony promised. “Let me help you.”
Bucky tilted his head to the side, looking Tony up and down. “Plums?”
Tony wasn’t sure he’d heard Bucky right. “Plums? What?”
“Plums?” Bucky repeated as if saying it again would have it make more sense.
“Sure.” Tony gave a slow nod. “I can get you… plums. All the plums you want.”
Bucky nodded and lowered his gun, snatching his arm from the ground to reattach it. He grabbed Tony by the waist just as quickly, hugging him close.
“Hey!” Steve jumped forward, ready for a fight.
Bucky snarled and threw Tony over his shoulder, making a run for it. “He’s mine!” Bucky howled.
Tony couldn’t hold back his laughter. He was in for a ride.
Vision has no hair anywhere on his body–no armpit hair, no eyebrows, no eyelashes. No fingernails. His skin tastes like metal. Sometimes, he forgets to breathe for minutes or hours at a time.
Captain Marvel smells like burning. When you touch her, your hand comes away cold because she’s absorbed your body heat. If she gets cut, she bleeds light. She can tell you what the inside of an explosion feels like.
Bruce Banner vomits after de-hulking. His skin is always red and peeling. He looks sick, like he has a fever, and he ingests more medication than actual food. There are blisters on his lips.
Tony Stark has a huge, sunken scar on his sternum where the arc reactor was removed and his chest aches each time he takes a breath. He has callouses in odd places–so does the whole team, really–and there is a permanent bald spot on the back of his head where it has been cut open every time he gets thrown around in his suit.
Spider-Man sometimes forgets which way is up–if you put him in a room with identical walls, floor, and ceiling, he couldn’t tell you which is which. His hands and feet are prickly to the touch, even through his costume. He is very nearsighted.
The Scarlet Witch has no sense of boundaries; if you can’t tell she’s spying on your thoughts, why should she stop? She doesn’t do it out of any malicious intent, just out of curiosity and convenience. She never loses arguments.
Thor speaks about events that happened thousands of years ago as if they were last week. Cats arch their backs and stare at him. Something about him–his eyes, or his skin, or the way he moves–seems slightly off, like he doesn’t belong on Earth at all.
stuff like that.
The Black Widow doesn’t speak. She was trained to be quiet, silent, unnoticeable. Unless someone engages with her, she will sometimes be deadly silent for hours on end: watching, listening.
The Black Panther unconsciously watches people, paying close attention to their every move. He moves with a cat-like grace, and at night, he can see better than he can in the day. His eyes glint in the moonlight.
steve rogers forgets what year it is on the regular. he keeps an inhaler with him always, not out of necessity, but habit. he is cold to the touch.
gamora is always on edge. the color purple makes her sick, and the only person she hates more than herself is thanos.
clint barton can’t sleep. he spends most of his nights on rooftops, looking at the stars and thinking about how small and insignificant he is. his hearing is slowly going and it scares him.
bucky barnes’ smiles are few and far between, only ever directed at steve. his left side is heavy, a constant reminder of his loss weighing him down. he takes the prosthetic off when he’s alone.
Peter Parker: -on meeting Loki, offers his hand- Hi, I’m Peter!
Loki: -shakes his hand- Loki of Asgard.
Peter: Aren’t you like…a bad guy?
Loki: It varies from moment to moment.
Peter: So like…on a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst evil imaginable, like…killing puppies, and one being I’ll spit on your hotdog…where are you right now?
Loki: …maybe a three?
Peter: Cool. Lemme know if it gets above a six.
Loki: -thinking- I like him.
It had been a joke, a flippant line, but somehow, Loki found himself taking the youth up on it.
It was hard living around these heroic Avengers, hard trying to stay close to Thor. And when he felt his need for mischief rise too high, when he felt exasperation with these Midgardians turn too close to spite, he would casually say “Six.” to the young man, or sometimes “Seven.”
And Peter would spend the rest of his day with Loki. He would badger him with questions about magic, or drag him across his beloved city to see its entertainments, or take him along stopping petty crimes. He grounded Loki to the here and now, and distracted him from the churning, jagged shards of ice in his mind.
WE NEED LOKI AND PETER FICS
Stark’s brat had a system. It had been amusing, at first glance, especially when “killing puppies” was apparently a higher level of evil than trying to take over the world. It had risen and fallen – two, five, one. There were honestly good days.
It took some time before a truly bad day came up.
After a difficult battle, the Captain was being particularly sanctimonious, his team following suit. Even Stark made biting comments.
Loki could scream.
“Spider-man,” he said as calmly as he could. The young man glanced up, having been tying up some of their enemies a few yards away.
“Seven.”
“… okay, guys, I’m going to head out with Loki for the rest of the day. Don’t need us for debrief, yeah?”
“Sure,” Stark shrugged, glancing between the two of them oddly. Loki wasn’t entirely sure what the plan was. They went in civilian clothes to a small café.
“I wasn’t paying attention, so whatever was said, I don’t agree,” Peter began. “But that’s not what I’m here for. So. When you teleport, how does that work? Is it harder with longer distances? Or is knowledge of the place more helpful?” Loki blinked, but explained. It led to a discussion of magical theory. Peter (Loki still called him Parker aloud, but the child and even his young friends grew on him in time) was eager and curious, comparing what he knew from Strange and fantasy books to Loki’s knowledge. It was admittedly fascinating to see how many versions of sorcery humans had created by mere imagination. He was definitely amused by the elves and dwarves of Lord of the Rings.
Sometimes Peter tentatively asked about Strange and Maximoff, if they were doing similar things. Never if Loki was at an 8 or above though.
“Strange is like a child prodigy. He’s good, picks the practical parts up well. He even got the jump on me – but he has not had as much time to study as me. He’s a student where I am a master. Maximoff is incredibly powerful and incredibly lucky, but she does not have much training at all.” Sometimes conversation turned to music, animals, current events.
Peter was good. It was odd, how Loki became so sure of the fact so quickly.
After the conversations, often accompanied with food or a walk, he was always down to a 3 or so. Which made Peter an important person.
So the next time Peter was in trouble and the Avengers were indisposed, Loki was not the least bit surprised that he was not the only one ready to tear someone apart for the kid. Two men in red – one with horns, one with guns and swords – a young girl with cat-shaped blasters on her hands, and the Captain’s assassin friend. Loki curled his lips and muttered:
“For anyone that harms you? 10.”
IT GOT MORE SINCE THE LAST TIME I SAW IT AND IM IN LOVE
also, the fact we get Daredevil, Deadpool, Shuri, and James teaming up with Loki to protect Peter? I AM HERE FOR ALL THIS HELLS YES
(I thought I didn’t have anything to add but I do)
It was just after noon on a Saturday when Loki got a text from Peter, all it said was
‘8, I’m at home′
Peter had never used their number system for himself before.
Loki had promised the boy’s aunt he would not teleport into their home and while he’d had every intention of honouring that promise, this was definitely an exception.
When Loki materialized in Peter’s room, his friend was pacing, angry and red-faced. Loki had never seen Peter furious before.
Peter began shouting when he saw Loki, ‘Men are scum! Irredeemable, horrible, crappy, scummy scum!’
‘Thank you for telling me, Peter.’ Loki said, sitting down on Peter’s bed. ‘Any particular men inspiring this diatribe?’
Peter grabbed a pillow off his bed and screamed into it, ‘There’s a guy at Aunt May’s work who’s harassing her and she says I need to stay out of it and let Human Resources do their jobs and he’s a creep and he’s making May feel creeped out and… I don’t know what to do.’
Loki blinked. Of all the people Peter could have gone to, he had chose Loki.
‘Thank you, for telling me this. Although I’m not sure how I can be of help.’
Peter flopped down onto the bed next to Loki, ‘You’re my friend and you’re an adult. And I wasn’t sure who else to talk to.’
Loki flopped back next to Peter, it seemed appropriate. ‘If Human Resources doesn’t sort this out to your satisfaction, I can turn this person into a goat.’
Toad's Cave 