Tag: I LOVE THIS

systlin:

thechurchofapathy:

systlin:

kasaron:

systlin:

werebearbearbar:

cracked:

Why Everything You Know About Vikings Is A Lie

True story – There are historical accounts (well, there’s at least one historical account) in which English people whine about how the Norse men bathe so often they’re able to seduce the local women away from their husbands.

^^^ Yep. Turns out the women were way more into the hot well groomed muscular dudes who liked to smell nice.

*Hot, well groomed men who liked to smell nice and knew their way around sharp objects.

“I just don’t know why you couldn’t marry a local boy sweetie.” 

“What can I say dad, Hjalmar bathes regularly, smells nice, has shoulders, can wield a sword and can wield his sword ifyaknowwhatImean, and when he comes back from raids likes to shower me in rare gifts from overseas. Look at this necklace! The amber beads came from the lands of the Rus! Also, he’s teaching me how to shoot a bow and use a spear because he thinks it might be nice if I could go on raids too someday.”

You’ve described my ideal man.

Fuck.

Like I’d ride that longboat if ya know what I mean.

Could we get some Joanne Harcourt nswf headcanons? He’s so cute~

:

*Mettaton voice*: oh yes!!!!!! (he’s so adorable I wanna cry)

  • he’s very anxious about this and will not deny it
  • hides behind his hair most of the time until his partner coaxes him out of it
  • is very thin and almost too thin, and slightly shy about his body
  • he also has a lot of freckles over his body and is shy because of them, but they are super cute
  • you start by kissing every single one of his freckles, he almost cries and gets very red in his face and on his collarbones, which are your next spot to attack, he’s really sensitive there and starts moaning pretty fast
  • his moans are quiet at first, then start to get louder as they turn into quick breathy “ohs”
  • he’s completely gone if you choke him, his mind going blank in pleasure and his heart going too fast in excitement, it’s his number one kink
  • he lets you look at him, but gets embarresed afterwards
  • holds your hand every single time without fail, and as he starts getting closer his hold gets tighter
  • doesn’t initiate anything, that is your job.
  • But blushes pretty easily if you say anything even remotely dirty, he has no experience with things like that and is emberassed
  • says he’s never masturbated before and it’s the truth
  • Handjobs are very much to his liking
  • don’t touch him anywhere lower than his waist in public or he’ll scream and stop working
  • he’s just nervous
  • has a very nice ahegao face, try to get it out of him by edging him enough and not allowing him to touch himself
  • he likes toys, too, but wouldn’t know where to get them
  • when he comes, he covers his mouth to stiffle a scream, and his eyes get really big
  • Aftercare is you petting his hair and telling him he did amazing, as he starts falling asleep with his head on you shoulder

theblazeofmemory:

roughkiss:

5evamore:

morebadbookcovers:

klondikeaura:

citizen-zero:

So in lore, vampires have this trait that I’ve almost never seen used, and that’s the fact that vampires are OBSESSED with counting things. Like, the Count on Sesame Street was almost certainly created specifically as a vampire because of this piece of lore.

Like, I read this vampire book years and years ago that explained that a surefire way to protect yourself from vampires getting into your house was to spread a ton of seeds on your doorstep–poppy and mustard seeds were particularly recommended for the purpose. Basically, if you suspected someone to be a vampire, all you had to do was drop a sackful of seeds on the ground in front of them.

If they didn’t immediately start counting them, they were not a vampire. However, if they WERE a vampire, they’d be seized with the urge to count all the seeds and they would not budge from that spot until they knew how many seeds there were in total. The point was to keep them there until the sun came up and killed them, because if they hadn’t counted all the seeds by sunrise they wouldn’t be able to leave. Presumably you could just go about the rest of your evening as normal, though no word on whether it’s possible to make them lose count and start over.

Having remembered this piece of lore, I want fewer stories about brooding tortured Edward Cullen-esque vampires. I want to start seeing more stories about math nerd vampires.

Vampire accountants who are an honest company’s best asset and a corrupt company’s bane because they are frighteningly accurate with the accounts and will not hesitate to blow the whistle on a CEO scamming money because fuck you for making the numbers wrong.

Vampire cashiers that don’t need to look at the register screen because they already mentally calculated your total. 10-items-or-less vampires who know goddamn well you have 20 items in that basket and NO, you cannot just slip in with the rest.

Vampire math tutors who are constantly in high demand and have to hold lotteries to see who gets to be tutored by them.

MATH NERD VAMPIRES

If anyone would like the term for this, it’s arithmomania.

This was in Dracula 2: Ascension, and it turned out he could just count supernaturally fast.

Sesame Street just got 100% more clever.

It was often suggested that you keep rice or sand in your pocket to throw behind you because the vampire would have to stop and count every single grain.

I cannot believe Pocket Sand is a viable defense against vampire attacks

King of Memes

buckykingofmemes:

Or, how Tony Found Out About Bucky’s Blog. 

Tony couldn’t seep. Sometimes he managed a few hours if he was tired enough, so usually he went to the gym and worked out until he was exhausted. Tonight, though, he found the gym already occupied: Barnes, with his hair tied up, working steadily at the heavy bag. Normally Tony would make an awkward comment and leave him to it, but instead he just heads for the opposite side of the gym. After setting up at one of the far treadmills, Tony worked his way to a easy run. Barnes was laying his fists rhythmically into the bag, and the quiet thumping was sort of strangely soothing. Between the running and the thumping, Tony slipped into a near-trancelike state.

 And then Barnes let out an ungodly howl, drew back his left fist, and slammed it straight through the heavy bag with a roar of, “DIE A THOUSAND BURNING DEATHS!”

Tony fell off the treadmill, scrambled to his feet, and booked it to the elevator.

kingofmemes posted:

holy shit you guys there was a spider on my punching bag !!! thanks to my many years of combat experience & martial arts training things are okay now

Posted at 4:47 AM, 37294 notes

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