mysticmikalla:

“I don’t know how to be yours.”

inspiration struck at 3am, so here is a quick saeyoung drabble i’ve had in my mind for a while! (also this is so self-indulgent guys im c r y i n g welcome to what my mind is like 24/7)

***

“Why are you so hesitant?”

His lips were on yours before you could answer, kissing you softly yet demonstrating a hint of anguish. Your hands rested on his chest while his cupped your cheek gently, needy. His heartbeat was faint yet wild underneath your palms, and you studied his face, searching for the source of his frown.

“What do you mean?”

Saeyoung dipped his head in again, moving his mouth against yours more roughly than before, “When I kiss you like this,” he breathed, moving his hand from your hips to the small of your back, inching your closer so that your body was pressed against his, “And when I touch you like this, you seem to hesitate.”

You blinked, “I-I do?”

Averting his gaze, Saeyoung nodded, “Yeah. Is this okay? Do you not want this?”

The hand on your back moved to your waist again, and he dropped his touch from your cheek. You could feel him remove himself from you again. The barrier you thought you had destroyed before was slowly rising back up, and you could see it in the clouding of his eyes. You could feel him closing himself from you again.

“I do!” You clutched the fabric of his shirt between your fists, “More than anything, Saeyoung, more than you know. I just…”

He covered your hands with yours. They were much larger than yours, and warm, too. The skin along his palms were always so scarred and bruised, you often spent hours wondering what each meant, what their story was. Saeyoung was a thick and complicated book you never wanted to stop reading, and it both intrigued and terrified you to know you were only on chapter one. His eyes held a strange kind of sorrow and melancholy that tugged on your heart, as you had never met someone of his age who had seen and lived through what he had.

And you wanted to erase it. You wanted to kiss it all away, to reassure him with affectionate touches and by saying the right words at the right time. Whenever he was plagued with nightmares and anxiety, you wanted nothing more but to hold him until he was alright.

But you couldn’t.

“I don’t know know to be yours.”

Saeyoung was taken aback. His eyes searched for the meaning of those words in yours, giving your hand a tight squeeze. Why did his heart feel so constricted by them?

“What..What do you mean?” He asked you softly, silently praying that it wasn’t what he was thinking. That it wasn’t that you were regretting your decision to stay, or that, now that you knew the truth of all he was, how broken and filthy, you didn’t want him anymore.

Saeyoung hoped it didn’t mean you were thinking of leaving.

You could hear it in his voice, his fears rooted deep within those words. “It doesn’t really make sense, and I don’t know how to explain it…”

“Try,” he urged, tilting your chin upwards until you were a breath away from his lips, “Please.”

You wanted to close the gap between you, to be the one to kiss first, to touch him first. But again you felt that barrier, invisible chains that held you back, “I guess I don’t really know how to be close to you like this. After so long of having to keep my distance from you, it’s a bit hard to do…to be able to be with you like this, with no restraints.”

A hand brushed your hair behind your ear, settling at the nape of your neck. You shied away from the intensity of his gaze, searching for anywhere else to look besides those eyes.

“After so long of feeling what I do about you and not being able to do anything about it, I guess I just don’t know how to act.”

With a tug of his lips upwards, your lover swooped his arms under your legs and picked you up, cradling you in his arms and making his way towards the couch.

“Saeyoung-!”

He gently lay you down on the beat-up sofa, never breaking eye contact as he hovered on top of you. “You said no restraints, right?”

“I-I-”

“So don’t hold back,” he murmured, inching closer to you so that the frame of his glasses touched the bridge of your nose, “There is no right way to act, MC, just do what you want to. I’m yours, remember? Completely yours, for as long as you want me to be. You can do whatever you want to me, touch me wherever you like, but just please…” He kissed the corner of your mouth, “Please don’t break my heart just yet.”

You wanted to.

He was so close to you, the familiarity of his scent enveloping you and taste lingering in your tongue. He was all you could see, all you could feel. He was all you wanted to feel, and you were all he wanted, too. So you felt courageous. You brought your hands to his hair and felt the curly red strands you adored, just as you always fantasized about doing.

You needed to.

With the other hand on the nape of his neck, you pulled him closer until lips met one another, until you could fully taste him again. Tongue moving against tongue, your legs wrapped themselves around his torso, pressing his body with yours. God, he was so warm. You could get lost in the way his body moved with yours, touching you everywhere you wanted to be touched and enticing you to do the same. There was no wrong way to act, he insisted, so you were going to act it all out.

You were going to touch him everywhere you wanted, everywhere he would allow. You would kiss him like you had dreamed of for days when you needed to pretend you didn’t. You were going to moan his name when he kissed your neck, plead with him not to stop because neither of you ever wanted to.

And he would do the same; he was going to give you all of himself as he couldn’t before, please you like he thought about doing ever since stepping foot in that apartment. With your permission, there wasn’t a force in this world strong enough to keep him from you, and Saeyoung desperately needed you to realize that.

Drowning. He was drowning in you, feeling himself fall deeper and deeper every time your fingertips traced his skin and a whimper of his name escaped your lips. You were both so intertwined with each other, time escaped both of you. It wasn’t until he was breathless and your mouth was sore, heart pounding against both your chests that you pulled away, but not by much. He rested his forehead against yours, ragged breathing fanning your face.

When you found the strength to flutter your eyes open and look at him, you noticed a deep blush tinted his cheek rose, his eyes were glossy and lips swollen with passion. His hair draped over his face, and for the second he ran his tongue over his lips, you lost the ability to breathe.

He was beautiful, you thought.

And he was yours.